Groundhog Day. Oh wait! It's New Year's Day. My Bad.

I greet each day the same. Around 5:30 am I hear my son on the monitor. He is hungry to say the least. I get out of bed, rub my eyes to try to adjust to the darkness, for some reason I mess with my hair as if I could control the crazy curliness it is in the morning, and the day begins.

As I walk without grace to the kitchen I hit the start button on the coffee pot. When you drink as much coffee as I do in the morning, you already have it all set up to brew. I grab a coffee mug from above, place it on the counter, and then grab the creamer from the fridge. Oh and I can't forget Brycen's bottle. I need to make that. I heat it in the microwave because after the third kid you don't have time to wait for the stupid bottle warmer because the other two kids might wake up from a hungry baby. If you have any children more than 1 you probably understand. I walk into Brycen's room and then I hear it. His sweet excited voice when he sees me through the darkness. He gives we a big hug the only way a baby knows how and coos. Steal. My. Heart.

There it is.The moment in my day where I forget how tired I am, all the chores to be done, all my failures as a mother, all the chaos. We melt onto the couch together, he grabs his bottle, and I watch him, infatuated by his cuteness. I rub his head, then kiss it...multiple times, I breath in his baby smell, close my eyes, and soak in the moment.

It is fleeting you know. I am sure you have heard it. Until you actually witness time has passed you don't understand.

All these late nights, multiple feedings in the middle ofthe night (even at 10 months), Zombie like days, drained beyond belief days. They are all fleeting. Unfortunately, because of all the demands it is hard to see through the fog. Especially when you have been suffering from severe Postpartum Depression. Even with it almost being a year, I struggle on a day to day basis to just be me. I know it sounds strange. But the truth none the less. There are days still where getting out of bed gives me anxiety, where all I want to do is run away. Luckily I haven't, but I have had my moments for sure.

If you haven't noticed, it has been almost a year since my last post. Well, that is because I have been in the trenches of PPD since my beautiful son was born. MIA. Now, I am back to writing. After experiencing what no mother really likes to talk about I have decided to take my blog on a little journey. In hopes that I can help other mom's out there who are suffering from PPD. I want to let them know that they are not alone. That yes, I have thought about suicide and even was about to attempt it. So not only am I going to blog about my All-American MommyLand life that is fun and happy, I am going to write at least once a week about my journey through PPD.

Enjoy the ride. It is a roller coaster!